Wells Fargo’s New Motto: ‘If You’re Smart with Money, You’re Not Our Type’

In a bold and somewhat unsurprising move, Wells Fargo has announced that it may be pulling the plug on its popular credit card offerings. The bank, once synonymous with stagecoaches and trust, is now pivoting towards a new strategy: telling responsible credit consumers, “We don’t want you.” This comes on the heels of the scandalous “mouse jiggler” firings. An employee practice inspired by the bank’s very own unethical leadership.

“Why would we cater to financially savvy customers who pay their bills on time and avoid interest charges?” explained a Wells Fargo spokesperson with a gleeful chuckle. “We’re in the business of making money, not encouraging good financial habits!”

This shocking revelation is a big surprise said no one, from creating fake accounts to improperly handling mortgage loans. It seems the bank has decided that the only way forward is to fully embrace its notorious reputation. “We realized we were wasting our time with these responsible types,” said the spokesperson. “Instead, we’re going to focus on the blissfully ignorant consumers who don’t read the fine print.”

Rumor has it that Wells Fargo’s new marketing campaign will feature slogans like, “Confused by interest rates? Perfect!” and “Overdrawn your account? We’ll happily charge you more!” The bank is even considering a new rewards program that offers points for missing payments and accruing late fees. “Why should credit card benefits be limited to the responsible?” the spokesperson mused. “It’s time to democratize debt!”

Analysts are skeptical but intrigued. “It’s a daring strategy,” said one financial expert. “But if any bank can pull off exploiting ignorance on an industrial scale, it’s Wells Fargo.”

As Wells Fargo rides this wild stagecoach into the future, one thing is clear: in the world of banking, the big ones don’t care about you!