McDonald’s CEO Concedes: Dollar Menu Returns with ‘Innovative’ New Items
McDonald’s CEO Chris Kempczinski has penned an open letter to customers announcing the triumphant return of the Dollar Menu. This move comes after waves of complaints about rising prices, and Kempczinski has decided to “give the people what they want”—even if it means introducing some rather unconventional menu items.
“Dear Valued Customers,” the letter begins, “I hear you. You want affordable options, and I am here to deliver. Introducing the revamped Dollar Menu, featuring exciting new items that will make your taste buds dance and your wallets sing!”
Nothing Burger
First up, the Nothing Burger. Described as “a delightful bun filled with the freshest local air,” this innovative item is a zero-calorie, zero-guilt option for those who crave the sensation of biting into a burger without any of the actual substance. “It’s all about the experience,” Kempczinski writes.
Lettuce Leaf Delight
For the health-conscious, McDonald’s proudly presents the Lettuce Leaf Delight. A single, crisp lettuce leaf served on a fancy napkin. “This item is perfect for those watching their figure. Plus, it’s vegan, keto, and paleo-friendly!”
Half a Fry
The new menu also includes Half a Fry—one perfectly cooked French fry, cut in half to double the enjoyment. “This also serves as a lower calories side option” the letter states.
Ketchup Packet Soup
For those seeking a gourmet touch, there’s the Ketchup Packet Soup. A delicate blend of McDonald’s finest ketchup packets, served with a complimentary plastic spoon. “It’s a tomato bisque, really,” the CEO notes.
Deconstructed Chicken Nugget
For nugget lovers, the Deconstructed Chicken Nugget offers just the breading but fried with chicken broth. “It’s all about appreciating the essence of nuggetness,” Kempczinski explains.
Pickle Chip Appetizer
The Pickle Chip Appetizer features a single, tangy pickle chip served with a toothpick. “Sophistication in a single bite,” promises the CEO.
Budget Big Mac
The Budget Big Mac reimagines the classic burger with two sesame seeds on a miniature bun, accompanied by a dab of special sauce. “It’s the Big Mac experience in a nutshell.”
The letter concludes with a hopeful note: “I trust these new offerings will satisfy your cravings and silence the critics. Remember, at McDonald’s, we’re always lovin’ it—even when it’s just a pickle slice.”
Whether these new items will truly satisfy the public remains to be seen, but one thing is certain: McDonald’s is committed to redefining the concept of value, one lettuce leaf at a time.
