Luxe Digital Detox Spa: Pay Premium Prices to Be Ignored

In a groundbreaking revelation, the latest trend in wellness has hit an all-time high—or perhaps low. For the meager price of $10,000 a week, you can now visit the Luxe Digital Detox Spa, where they promise to “reconnect you with yourself” by doing what you could easily do for free: taking away your phone.

Located in the heart of nowhere, the Luxe Digital Detox Spa is designed to strip you of all technological comforts. Upon arrival, guests are greeted with serene smiles and a metal detector to confiscate every electronic device you own. Your digital chains are locked away in a high-security vault, guarded as if they were the Crown Jewels, ensuring you cannot sneak a peek at your Instagram feed for a whole seven days.

But what does $10,000 get you besides a temporary escape from notifications? Enjoy nature walks where your guide—probably named Moonbeam—reminds you every five minutes that “likes” are not the same as real-life validation. Participate in mindfulness sessions where the only thing more forced than your meditation pose is the instructor’s enthusiasm for life sans Wi-Fi.

As the days drag on, some influencers experience absurd withdrawal symptoms. One influencer was found miming selfie poses in the mirror, desperately muttering hashtags under her breath. Another influencer, a fitness guru, was seen attempting to describe his workout routine in 280 characters or less to a bemused tree. By day three, a beauty vlogger starts a tearful monologue to an audience of squirrels, lamenting the lack of retweets and comments. They form support groups, sharing war stories of phantom notifications and the unbearable silence of their once buzzing devices, all while trying to remember how to have a conversation that doesn’t end with “link in bio.”

Mealtime at the Luxe Digital Detox Spa is a particularly enlightening experience. Without the distraction of food photography, you can truly savor each overpriced, organic, gluten-free, dairy-free, joy-free bite. And who needs a Yelp review when you can engage in actual, awkward table conversations about how liberated you feel without your devices?

Sure, you could just turn off your phone at home, but where’s the fun—and the Instagrammable moment—in that? The Luxe Digital Detox Spa knows you need a designated, high-cost environment to achieve the zen you could theoretically attain in your living room.

In conclusion, the Luxe Digital Detox Spa offers the ultimate irony: paying a fortune to reclaim the simplicity of life before smartphones, all while the wellness industry laughs its way to the bank.