Vatican’s New Guidelines: No More Crying Over Fake Weeping Statues

In a heavenly twist of modern regulation, the Vatican has decided to put the brakes on all those miraculous claims that seem to pop up like divine whack-a-moles. From weeping statues to miraculous healings and holy apparitions, the Vatican’s new guidelines aim to separate the sacred from the suspicious, urging the Catholic Church to channel its inner skeptic.

The Dicastery for the Doctrine of the Faith has rolled out a celestial checklist, hoping to ensure that claims of divine intervention are more credible than a leprechaun sighting at the end of a rainbow. The document insists on stricter scrutiny, probably inspired by too many statues that were more hydrated than a yoga instructor at a juice cleanse.

The Crying Game: When Statues Get Emotional

We’ve all seen it before: a statue of the Virgin Mary, weeping tears that could rival a soap opera star’s most dramatic scene. But the Vatican is now saying, “Hold those tears!” From now on, any statue caught crying will need to provide three forms of ID, a signed affidavit, and a tissue sample for forensic analysis.

Miraculous Healings: Fact or Holy Fiction?

Claims of miraculous healings will no longer get a free pass. Did that holy relic really cure Aunt Gertrude’s arthritis, or was it just the placebo effect with a side of wishful thinking? The new guidelines demand evidence that can stand up to scrutiny, preferably without relying on a divine thumbs-up from above.

Apparitions: The Divine or the Deluded?

And then there are the apparitions. Was that really Saint Francis of Assisi you saw in your morning toast, or just a case of divine pareidolia? The Vatican’s new approach will involve rigorous investigations, possibly including interviews with the apparition in question, and a thorough background check.

The Heavenly FAQ

The guidelines have even inspired a humorous “Heavenly FAQ” among parishioners. One popular question: “If a statue cries in the woods and no one is around to see it, does it still count?” The answer, of course, is pending further investigation.

As the Vatican takes these steps to ensure that claims of supernatural phenomena are grounded in reality, the faithful are left to wonder: will this mean fewer miracles, or just more credible ones? Only time, and a lot of holy water testing, will tell.